This is not an easy article to write. I have been hurt by someone very close to me and I know that I need to forgive that person, but it is easier said than done. Intellectually, I know that until I can forgive, I will stew in my resentment and hurt - harming myself, not the person who hurt me. I could seek revenge, but countering a wrong with a wrong is… well, wrong.

    What to do?

    As I reside in the limbo between true forgiveness and painful hurt, I struggle with the tug-of-war between heart and head. I won’t seek revenge, but I am also not ready to forgive despite the realization that forgiving is precisely what I have to do to stop hurting. People don’t ask to be hurt, but the offended must be the ones to initiate the resolve.

    Forgiveness is the pill we must swallow when we suffer from hurt inflicted by others. We must move past the feelings of a hurt-felt heart and use our reason, our mind, to guide us to healing. Age, maturity, teaches us to “let it go,” “forgive and forget,” but sound reason does not manifest a quick cure. It does, however, keep us from making a bigger mistake. The mind must win the tug-of-war between heart and head. To do otherwise, we would be hurting ourselves even more.

    How do we make the head win?
When our heart and mind are conflicted, thinking more about the offense will only exasperate the situation; we need to distract the mind. Our thoughts need to move on, get off-track, and the best way to distract the mind is to busy the hands.

    Performing tasks like cooking, gardening, car maintenance, writing, anything that requires the mind to think about what the hands are doing will give our heart and head the time to eclipse the pain and coalesce into a more productive, positive realm. Manual exercise restores the balance to life necessary to heal. The sooner we become productive, the quicker we will be able to forgive. Busying the hands also gives us the time to move past the initial harm. We still may feel hurt, but the hurt won’t feel as deep. The urge for revenge will pass; the head eventually wins.

    If you’ve been hurt and find yourself in the tug-of-war between heart and head it may be helpful to take the Forgiveness Test created by Dr. Susan Brown as part of her doctoral dissertation at Fuller Theological Seminary. It is a 14-question, multiple-choice test which helps to identify personal thoughts and behaviors regarding forgiveness. I took the test and discovered I’m half-way there.

    What I neglected to consider (as I wallowed in my self-pity) was the source of the problem. Question 13, “I looked for the source of the problem and tried to correct it,” caused a light bulb to go off in my head. Again, the heart was clouding my rational thought. The test made me realize that if I don’t want to be hurt by this person again, I should look for the source of the problem and work to correct it. Being hurt involves two people. Forgiveness is what I do, but that is only half the solution. Resolving the source of the hurt involves both of us. That is what’s necessary for true reconciliation and lasting peace...the ability to truly forgive and forget, forever.

    I’m glad I took the test and I’m glad I wrote this article. I took the time to busy my hands. I don’t feel as hurt now as I did when I began writing. I’m getting closer to true forgiveness and realize I have more work to do before all is well again. In the end, my head won, but so did my heart.

    這是一篇難以書寫的文章.曾經,我被我很親密的人傷害過,我知道我得原諒他"她,但這一切說起來很容易,做起來好難.理智上我知道我若不能原諒,傷害我自己的是我內心的怨恨與煩惱,而不是那個人.我曾想過報復,但這只是錯上加錯…..是的,是錯的.

    要做什么?

    當我徘徊在真正原諒與痛苦傷害的邊緣時,我正經歷著內心與頭腦之間激烈的斗爭.我不會去報復,但我也沒有做好去原諒的準備,雖然事實上原諒是停止我傷痛的最佳辦法.人們都不想被傷害,但是受傷了的人就必須找辦法治療.

    當我們被人家傷害時,原諒是我們必須選擇去服用的良藥.我們必須消除內心那些徹心的痛楚,在我們的理智與意識的指引下治療我們的心靈.經歷過傷害的人告訴我們要“讓它隨風而去”,要“原諒然后忘記”,但這不是我們能進行快速治療的充分理由.然而,它可以防止我們犯下更大的錯誤.頭腦的意識必須贏得這場內心與頭腦的斗爭的勝利,否則,我們只會把自己傷害得更深……

    如何做才能是頭腦獲勝?

    當我們的內心與頭腦意識發生沖突時,過多地想著攻擊對方反而把事情弄得更槽.我們需要分散我們的注意力,我們的思想必須得沿著軌道動起來,而分散注意力的好方法是讓自己的雙手忙起來.

    做一些烹飪,護理一下花園,保養一下汽車,寫一些東西.做任何需要我們意識去指導的事情,這會讓我們的內心與頭腦有一定的時間去沖淡痛楚,合并更多積極有效的思想領域.身體運動能恢復生活的平衡,這是身心恢復所需要的.我們越快恢復效率,我們就能更快地去原諒.使自己的雙手忙起來也能給予我們時間去除最初的傷痛.也許我們仍感到痛苦,但那痛苦已經沒有原來那么深了.報復的沖動沒有了,頭腦會最終獲得勝利.

    假如你被傷害了并發現自己正處于內心與頭腦的斗爭中,你可以嘗試做一下由Susan Brown博士在福樂神學院做博士論文時研發的原諒測試,這對你是有用的.測試有14道多項選擇題,它能幫助你分清關于原諒的個人思想和行為.當我做完測試時,我發現我已經成功了一半了.

    我不想去考慮是我問題的根源,因為我完全沉浸在自憐之中.第13道題目“我尋找了問題的根源并設法去改正了它”像一個小燈泡照耀在我的腦海里.再一次,內心籠罩著我的理智思想.這個測試讓我明白,如果我不想再一次被那個人傷害,我就必須找到問題的根源,然后努力去改正它.傷害是相互的.原諒是我需要做的,但這只是解決問題的一半而已.解決傷害的根源需要兩個人去努力.這是真正的和解與永遠的友好所需要的……需要一種能力去真正地原諒,然后永遠忘卻.

    我很高興我做了這個測試并寫下這篇文章.我花了時間讓自己的雙手忙了起來,我沒有像剛寫作時那么痛苦了.我離真正原諒更加近了.我意識到.在完全恢復前有許多事情要我去做.到最后,我的頭腦獲勝了.然而,我的內心也是如此.