Can you improve your conversation skills? Certainly.

    It might take a while to change the conversation habits that’s been ingrained throughout your life, but it is very possible.

    To not make this article longer than necessary let’s just skip right to some common mistakes many of us have made in conversations. And a couple of solutions.

    Not listening
    Ernest Hemingway once said:

    “I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”

    Don’t be like most people. Don’t just wait eagerly for your turn to talk. Put your own ego on hold. Learn to really listen to what people actually are saying.

    When you start to really listen, you’ll pick up on loads of potential paths in the conversation. But avoid yes or no type of questions as they will not give you much information. If someone mentions that they went fishing with a couple of friends last weekend you can for instance ask:

    Where did you go fishing? 
    What do you like most about fishing? 
    What did you do there besides fishing?
    The person will delve deeper into the subject giving you more information to work with and more paths for you choose from.

    If they say something like: “Oh, I don’t know” at first, don’t give up. Prod a little further. Ask again. They do know, they just have to think about a bit more. And as they start to open up the conversation becomes more interesting because it’s not on auto-pilot anymore.

    Asking too many questions
    If you ask too many questions the conversation can feel like a bit of an interrogation. Or like you don’t have that much too contribute. One alternative is to mix questions with statements. Continuing the conversation above you could skip the question and say:

    Yeah, it’s great to just get out with your friends and relax over the weekend. We like to take a six-pack out to the park and play some Frisbee golf. 

    Nice. We went out in my friend’s boat last month and I tried these new lures from Sakamura. The blue ones were really great.
    And then the conversation can flow on from there. And you can discuss Frisbee golf, the advantages/disadvantages of different lures or your favourite beer.

    Tightening up
    When in conversation with someone you just meet or when the usual few topics are exhausted an awkward silence or mood might appear. Or you might just become nervous not knowing exactly why.

    Leil Lowndes <!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--> once said: “Never leave home without reading the newspaper.” If you’re running out of things to say, you can always start talking about the current news. It’s also good to stay updated on current water cooler-topics. Like what happened on the latest episode of Lost. 

    Comment on the aquarium at the party, or that one girl’s cool Halloween-costume or the host’s mp3-playlist. You can always start new conversations about something in your surroundings. 

    Assume rapport. If you feel nervous or weird when meeting someone for the first time assume rapport. What that means is that you imagine how you feel when you meet one of your best friends. And pretend that this new acquaintance is one of your best friends. Don’t overdo it though, you might not want to hug and kiss right away. But if you imagine this you’ll go into a positive emotional state. And you’ll greet and start talking to this new person with a smile and a friendly and relaxed attitude. Because that’s how you talk to your friends. It might sound a bit loopy or too simple. But it really works.

    Poor delivery
    One of the most important things in a conversation is not what you say, but how you say it. A change in these habits can make a big difference since your voice and body language is a vital part of communication. Some things to think about:

    Slowing down. When you get excited about something it’s easy to start talking faster and faster. Try and slow down. It will make it much easier for people to listen and for you actually get what you are saying across to them. 

    Speaking up. Don’t be afraid to talk as loud as you need to for people to hear you. 

    Speaking clearly. Don’t mumble. 

    Speak with emotion. No one listens for that long if you speak with a monotone voice. Let your feelings be reflected in your voice. 

    Using pauses. Slowing down your talking plus adding a small pause between thoughts or sentences creates a bit of tension and anticipation. 

    People will start to listen more attentively to what you’re saying. Listen to one of Brian Tracys cds or Steve Pavlina’s podcasts. Listen to how using small pauses makes what they are saying seem even more interesting. 

    Learn a bit about improving your body language as it can make your delivery a lot more effective. Read about laughter, posture and how to hold your drink in 18 ways to improve your body language.

    Hogging the spot-light

    I’ve been guilty of this one on more occasions than I wish to remember.  Everyone involved in a conversation should get their time in the spotlight. Don’t interrupt someone when they are telling some anecdote or their view on what you are discussing to divert the attention back to yourself. Don’t hijack their story about skiing before it’s finished to share your best skiing-anecdote. Find a balance between listening and talking.

    Having to be right
    Avoid arguing and having to being right about every topic. Often a conversation is not really a discussion. It’s a more of a way to keep a good mood going. No one will be that impressed if you “win” every conversation. Instead just sit back, relax and help keep the good feelings going.

    Talking about a weird or negative topic
    If you’re at a party or somewhere were you are just getting to know some people you might want to avoid some topics. Talking about your bad health or relationships, your crappy job or boss, serial killers, technical lingo that only you and some other guy understands or anything that sucks the positive energy out of the conversation are topics to steer clear from. You might also want to save religion and politics for conversations with your friends.

    Being boring
    Don’t prattle on about your new car for 10 minutes oblivious to your surroundings. Always be prepared to drop a subject when you start to bore people. Or when everyone is getting bored and the topic is starting to run out of steam.

    One good way to have something interesting to say is simply to lead an interesting life. And to focus on the positive stuff. Don’t start to whine about your boss or your job, people don’t want to hear that. Instead, talk about your last trip somewhere, some funny anecdote that happened while you where buying clothes, your plans for New Years Eve or something funny or exciting.

    Another way is just to be genuinely interested. As Dale Carnegie <!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--> said:

    “You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”

    Knowing a little about many things or at least being open to talk about them instead of trying to steer the conversation back to your favourite subject is a nice quality.

    Meaning: talking for what seems like hours about one topic. Topics may include work, favourite rock-band, TV-show and more work.

    Opening up a bit and not clinging desperately to one topic will make the conversation feel more relaxed and open. You will come across like a person who can talk about many things with ease. As you’ve probably experienced with other people; this quality is something you appreciate in a conversation and makes you feel like you can connect to that person easily.

    Not reciprocating
    Open up and say what you think, share how you feel. If someone shares an experience, open up too and share one of your experiences. Don’t just stand there nodding and answer with short sentences. If someone is investing in the conversation they’d like you to invest too.

    Like in so many areas in life, you can’t always wait for the other party to make the first move. When needed, be proactive and be the first one to open up and invest in the conversation. One way is by replacing some questions with statements. It makes you less passive and makes take a sort of stand.

    Not contributing much
    You might feel that you don’t have much to contribute to a conversation. But try anyway. Really listen and be interested in what the others are saying. Ask questions. Make relating statements.

    Open your eyes too. Develop your observational skills to pick up interesting stuff in your surroundings to talk about. Develop your personal knowledge-bank by expanding your view of interesting things in the world. Read the newspapers and keep an eye on new water cooler-topics.

    Work on your body language, how you talk and try assuming rapport to improve your communication skills.

    But take it easy. Don’t do it all at once. You’ll just feel confused and overwhelmed. Instead, pick out the three most important things that you feel needs improving. Work on them every day for 3-4 weeks. Notice the difference and keep at it. Soon your new habits will start to pop up spontaneously when you are in a conversation.

    你能提高你的交談能力嗎？

    答案是肯定的。

    改變你根深蒂固的交談方式要花一些時間，但是這是可能的。

    為了使這篇文章不過于冗長讓我們跳到我們交談中常犯的一些錯誤上來。并且提供一些解決方案。

    不會傾聽

    厄尼斯特·海明威曾經說過：

    “我喜歡傾聽。我曾經從仔細傾聽中學到了很多東西。很多人從來不傾聽。”

    不要像很多人那樣，不要僅僅被動地等著發言。把握自我，學著傾聽人們真正在說什么。

    當你真正開始傾聽的時候，你會找到談話中潛在的路徑。但是要防止提出只需要回答是或者不是的問題因為它們不會給你提供太多信息。比如說如果有人提到他上周末和幾個朋友一起去釣魚你可以這么問：

    · 你去哪里釣魚了？

    · 你最喜歡釣魚的哪方面？

    · 除了釣魚你還做什么了？

    這個人就會深入考察這個問題來給你提供更多信息并且更多交談的路徑供你選擇。

    如果它們一開始這么說：“哦，我不知道”，不要放棄，進一步提問，再問一遍。它們知道，它們只是需要再多想一想。并且當他們開始放開，這個談話就變的更有意思，因為這個談話不再是機械式的了。

    問太多的問題

    如果你問太多的問題，這個談話就變的更像是審判。或者看起來你對這次談話沒做太多貢獻。一個選擇是用陳述把這些問題混合起來。繼續上述的談話你可以跳過問題并且說：

    · 是啊，只是和朋友周末一起出去放松就很棒了。我們喜歡帶上半打啤酒去公園并且玩飛碟高爾夫。

    ·很好，我們上個月乘著我朋友的船出去并且我嘗試了這些來自Sakaruma的新的魚餌，這種藍色的非常棒。

    這樣談話就可以從這里繼續了。你可以談一下飛碟高爾夫，這種不同的魚餌的優點和缺點或者你最喜歡的啤酒。

    緊張

    當你和一個你剛剛認識的人談話或者通常的幾個問題都聊完了一個棘手的沉靜或者氛圍就會出現。或者你僅僅因為不知道為什么而緊張。

    · Leil Lowndes曾經說過：“不要沒讀報紙就走出家門”如果你沒有東西說了，你可以聊一下當下的新聞。我們最好了解最新的話題，就像最近一季的迷失演的是什么。

    · 在一個聚會上討論魚缸或者一個女孩的萬圣節裝束或者主人的mp3播放列表。你總是可以用你身邊的一些東西開始你的談話。

    · 假定當談話融洽。如果當你第一遇見一個人的時候感覺緊張和古怪，那就假裝很融洽。哪意味著你假想著你遇到了你最好的一個朋友。并且假定這個新認識的人是你最好的朋友之一。不要做過了，你應該不想去擁抱并且親吻。但是當你這么想的時候你會進入一個積極的情感狀態，并且你會歡迎他并且你會微笑并且充滿友善，態度放松的和這個新認識的人開始談話。這聽起來可能有點呆頭呆腦或者太簡單，但是這非常有用。

    差勁的信息傳遞方式

    在談話中最重要的不是你說了什么，而是你怎么說。改變這些不好的習慣會又打的不同因為你的聲音和肢體語言在談話中是至關重要的。一些事情要被考慮：

    ·放慢語速，當你對什么事情感到很興奮的時候你很容易語速越來越快，嘗試把速度放慢，這會使對方更容易聽明白并且使你知道你對它們說了什么。

    ·大聲說，不要害怕，說的盡量大聲讓人們聽清楚你說什么。

    ·清楚的說，不要喃喃而語。

    ·帶著感情的說。沒有人會很長時間的聽你說話如果你很單調的說啊說。

    ·使用停頓，慢慢的說并且在你思考的時候或者句子之間加上一些停頓可以產生一些緊張和預期。人們會更加留心聽你在說什么。聽布萊恩·翠西的CD或者史蒂夫·帕弗利那的播客。聽它們怎樣使用短暫的停頓似的它們說的話更有意思。

    ·學習一些技巧改進你的肢體語言因為他會是你的信息傳遞更加有效。閱讀有關笑容，姿勢和怎么用18種姿勢拿著你的飲料來改進你的肢體語言。

    在談話中搶著出風頭

    在很多我不愿回憶的場合里，我對這一點感到羞愧。在對話中每一個人都應該有在大家注視下說話的機會。當他們在訴說一些關于你們所談論事物的趣聞或者觀點不要打擾別人來讓大家的注意力集中到你身上。在別人談論他們關于滑雪的故事結束之前不要打斷他們的故事來分享你自己最好的滑雪趣聞。要在聽和說之間找到平衡。

    強詞奪理

    要避免爭論并且讓自己關于每一個問題的觀點都是正確的。通常一次談話不是一個真正的討論。它更多的是使氣氛良好的方式。如果你“贏”了每一次談論，沒人會銘記于心。相反，只要什么都不做，放松并且讓好的感覺繼續就好。

    討論怪異的或者消極的話題

    如果你是參加一個聚會，在這個聚會里你只需要認識一些人，那么你要防止談論一些話題。討論你糟糕的健康問題或者人際關系，你早糟糕的工作或者老板，連環謀殺案，只有你和其他一些人知道的技術性行話或者任何破壞談話積極氣氛的話題是要避免的。在談話中你也應該保留你和朋友不同的宗教和政治的觀點。

    變得無聊

    不要絮絮叨叨忘我的討論你的新車超過十分鐘。通常當你開始讓別人厭煩的時候要拋棄這個話題，或者當所有人都感到厭煩并且這個話題開始剎不住的時候。

    一個讓自己有有意思的事情說的方法是過有意思的生活，并且關注積極的東西。不要抱怨你的老板或者你的工作，人們不會想聽到那些。作為替代，討論你最近的一次旅行，一些當你買衣服的時候發生的有意思的軼事，你的新年計劃或者一些有意思或者讓人高興的事情。

    另外的方式就是要真正的有興趣。就像Dale Carnegie說的那樣：

    “你對別人比對自己有興趣，就可以在兩個月里交更多的朋友。在兩年中你可以使更多的人對你感興趣。這也是將心比心的另外一種說法。”

    對很多事情都知道一點或者至少敢于談論它們而不是想會比這個話題而轉向你熟悉的話題是一種很好的品質。

    意義：討論一個話題似乎是幾個小時。話題應該包括工作，最喜歡的搖滾樂隊，電視演出和更多的工作。

    思維開闊而且不要死死抓住一個話題不放會讓談話更輕松和開放。你會遇到可以輕松談論很多事情的人。因為你很可能已經有和其他人交談的經歷；這個能力是你在交談中領會的并且使你感覺到你可以更輕松的和那個人交流。

    非交互式

    打開思想說你想的，分享你的感覺。如果別人分享一段經歷，放開談一段你自己的經歷，不要只站在那里點頭并且只給予簡短的回答。如果別人在談話中很投入那么他們也希望你也很投入。

    像生活中的很多領域一樣，你不能等著另一部分動第一下。當需要的時候，主動一些，開啟一次談話并且率先投入。一個方式就是用陳述替換一些問題。它會讓你不那么主動并且保持立場。

    沒什么可談的

    你或許會感覺到你在談話中沒什么可談的。但是無論如何要嘗試一下。做到真正的傾聽并且對別人說的話感興趣。提出問題。做一些相關的陳述。

    你也要睜開你的眼睛，開發你的觀察能力來捕捉你周圍又意思的東西來談論。通過擴展你對這個世界上有意思東西的視角開發你的個人知識儲備。閱讀報紙并且留意新的話題。

    繼續你的肢體語言，怎樣去說并且假定融洽來改進你的交流技巧。

    不過輕松一點。不要一次做完，那樣你只會感到困惑和被打到。相反，改進你認為最重要的三個方面。在三到四周內每天對付它們，留意不同的地方并且保持下去。很快當你談話你的新習慣會自動跳出來