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A few weeks ago, Jane Wilcox and her live-in boyfriend had a blowout argument over a kitchen sponge that was left in the sink. There was ranting and accusations of shoddy housekeeping. He packed a bag and prepared to spend the night in a second home on their property. She called one of her boyfriend's buddies and asked him to come over and calm him down.
When the pal arrived, the two men took beers out to the porch. 'They sat huddled together like they were planning a NATO conference,' says Ms. Wilcox, 52, who lives in the mountains outside of Phoenix. 'I would watch and see them both nod, as if they understood each other. One would lean back and take a heavy sigh, the other would follow suit. Then they'd huddle into each other again.'
The topic of their big discussion? Motorcycle oil.
It's no big secret that men don't share their emotions easily. Numerous research studies -- and millions of baffled women -- can attest to that.
But is it really so harmful if men want to keep their feelings hidden? And don't women share too much, yammering on about their husbands to friends, co-workers and sometimes even strangers?
The answer to both questions is an emphatic yes.
Men and women could learn a thing or two from each other about when to talk about problems in their marriages or romantic relationships. It might help for men to reveal more to others outside the relationship -- and for women to zip it a bit more.
There are deep-rooted reasons why we share the way we do. Men don't want to appear vulnerable. （Why else won't they ask for directions when they're lost?） They are raised to be strong, after all, not to appear sad, scared or needy. Women, by contrast, are taught it's OK to be emotional.
'Women can go to their friends and talk and ask, 'Does he love me? What do you think?'' says Charles T. Hill, a professor of psychology at Whittier College in California. 'If men went to their friends and said, 'Do you think she loves me?' they would say to get a grip.'
Men also may clam up to protect their wives or significant others, worrying that their buddies might be insensitive, gossip or think less of their partners. They also may not want to get themselves wound up because it's hard for them to wind down.
Or, as a male friend of mine puts it: 'Men don't talk about their feelings with themselves, let alone other men. They usually have something to feel guilty about, even if it's just a bad thought or flirtation, so why look too closely?'
Biology plays a part, too. Scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, have shown women respond to stress by releasing oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that produces a calming effect and helps them bond with children and others. Estrogen enhances its effects. （Men, too, release oxytocin in response to stress, but male hormones minimize its effects.）
Women don't need a study to confirm that they feel better from talking over their problems. Sure, they may get an oxytocin boost. But they know they will also receive empathy, possible solutions and maybe even a reality check.
Sometimes in the middle of an argument with her husband of 26 years, Marina Kamen, 50, who lives in New York, will go online and chat with a friend on Facebook, or even with a stranger on a Web site for working moms. She believes that this prevents the quarrel from escalating, and that it can help her put her life in perspective.
'Many single women will tell me, 'It's hard out here. Do you think you will find someone better?'' says Ms. Kamen, who, with her husband, owns a business that produces motivational fitness recordings and music with her husband. 'Then we will get in a dialogue about what my husband is like and all his good qualities.'
Her husband, Roy, 56, says he tends not to discuss his marriage with his friends. 'It's a guy thing,' he says.
He's not alone. In many cases, men wait until it's too late to ask for support or advice from their friends about serous relationship issues. 'Men will talk when there's nothing left to lose,' says Susan Pease Gadoua, a therapist in San Rafael, Calif. By not opening up earlier, she says, they miss out on a chance to garner support -- or even just a little reassurance that others have been there, too.
Julius Nagy, a 48-year-old father of five who is going through a divorce, says he rarely talked to friends about financial troubles in his 16-year marriage, both to appear strong and to avoid conflict. Because he had no emotional outlet, he often ended up in yelling matches with his wife, which only exacerbated their problems, he says.
'The big reason it didn't work in the end is that I kept bottling this up,' says Mr. Nagy, a former product developer in the bedding industry who lives in Winston-Salem, N.C. His wife couldn't be reached for comment.
Tony Dye's 24-year marriage had problems for years, but only recently -- now that he's getting a divorce -- has he started to tell his friends what's really going on: He's been having an affair.
'I think that exposing what's been going on in my life and getting some feedback earlier would have helped,' says Mr. Dye, 54, an information-technology consultant in Atlanta. 'I've had guys in the last year very lovingly beat me up over this relationship, saying, 'Tony, you can't have anything to do with her. You need to be working on things with your wife.'' His wife couldn't be reached for comment.
You should be judicious about where you turn for help, if you seek it outside of your relationship. Talk too much, and your words may come back to haunt you.
Just ask Kimberly, a 42-year-old mom in the Midwest who asked that her last name not be used. When her marriage hit a rough patch last year, she complained to everyone she could find: her mom, friends, co-workers, housekeeper, husband's best friend and two radio stations.
She says the attention was a relief -- at the time. But now that she and her husband have patched up their problems, they have a new one: Some of the people she carped to have ostracized her husband.
'It's an awkward situation,' Kimberly says. 'To this day, he's not comfortable around my family.'
Jane Wilcox, of the sponge spat, wonders if she shouldn't talk less, too. While her boyfriend and his buddy debated the virtues of synthetic versus natural bike oils, she called a girlfriend and analyzed every detail of the fight she had had with him. 'What they had accomplished in 20 minutes took us two hours,' says Ms. Wilcox, whose boyfriend could not be reached for comment.
The next morning, her boyfriend met her in the kitchen and offered her a cup of coffee. 'End of subject. End of tantrum. No apology. No talk. It's as if the entire incident had not happened,' she says.
'But he did change the oil in his bike to synthetic. It runs much smoother now.'
Have you ever shared too much -- or not enough -- about your marriage?
幾個星期前，簡？威爾科克斯（Jane Wilcox）和她的同居男友因為放在廚房水槽里的一塊兒洗碗布大吵了一架。他們兩個大喊大叫，指責對方不會持家過日子。她的男友收拾好東西，準備在他們房子的另一個房間過夜。她給男友的一位好朋友打電話，請他來家里勸勸男友，讓他冷靜冷靜。
那位好友到了以后，兩個男人拿了幾瓶啤酒坐到了門廊。"他倆緊靠著坐在一起，就像是在計劃一次北約會議，"威爾科克斯說。威爾科克斯今年52歲，居住在鳳凰城（Phoenix）外的山區(qū)里。"我看到他們兩個人點著頭，似乎彼此非常理解。一個人往后一靠，長嘆一口氣，另一個人也會跟著做出同樣的動作。然后他們又會緊靠著坐在一起。"
他們大討論的話題？摩托車機油。
男人們不會輕易分享他們的情感，這已經(jīng)不是什么秘密了。許許多多的研究──以及成百上千萬困惑不已的女人們──可以證明這一點。
不過，如果男人們想要隱藏他們的情感，真的有那么大的害處嗎？另外，女人們難道不是分享得太多了嗎？她們會向朋友、同事，有時候甚至是陌生人抱怨她們的丈夫。
對這兩個問題的答案顯然都是肯定的。
對于該在什么時候談?wù)摶橐龌蚋星閱栴}，男人和女人可以相互學習對方的一些做法。向別人更多地敞開心扉對男人們可能會有所幫助──而女人們則應(yīng)該適當?shù)乇３挚酥啤?/p>
男人和女人分享心事的方式不同還有深層次的原因。男人們不想看上去脆弱不堪。（不然的話，他們迷路的時候怎么不去問路呢？）畢竟，在人們眼里男人就是要堅強，不能顯得悲傷、恐懼或者需要別人的撫慰。相比之下，女人們受的教育則是：感情脆弱也無妨。
"女人們可以去找她們的朋友談心，問他們，'他愛我嗎？你怎么想？'"加利福尼亞州惠特學院（Whittier College）的心理學教授查爾斯？T.希爾（Charles T. Hill）表示，"如果男人們也去找他們的朋友，問他們，'你覺得她愛我嗎？'朋友們會告訴他要理智一些。"
男人們保持緘默的原因還可能是為了保護他們的妻子或者其他心愛的人。他們會擔心自己的好朋友們不夠敏感、說三道四或者因此會瞧不起他們的伴侶。他們可能也不希望自己的情緒緊張起來，因為那樣一來，他們會很難放松。
或者，像我的一位男性朋友說的那樣："男人們跟自己都不會談起自己的感情，更不用說別的男人了。他們總是會對一些事情感到內(nèi)疚，即使它只是腦海中一閃而過的一個壞主意或者是一次調(diào)情，所以為什么要如此近距離地審視呢？"
這一問題也可以從生物學的角度找到答案。加州大學洛杉磯分校（University of California, Los Angeles）的科學家們已經(jīng)證明，女性在面臨壓力時會釋放一種名為"催產(chǎn)素"的荷爾蒙。它能夠幫助舒緩情緒，還可以促進女性和孩子及其他人之間的社交活動，而雌激素會強化這種荷爾蒙的作用。（男性在面臨壓力時也會釋放這種荷爾蒙，但是男性荷爾蒙會將它的效用抑制到最小。）
無需什么科學研究，女人們就可以確定通過和別人的傾訴自己遇到的問題，她們能讓自己感覺好起來。當然，傾訴或許能幫助女性釋放更多的"催產(chǎn)素".不過，女性還知道，她們同時也會得到別人的安慰、找到可能的解決辦法，甚至是認清現(xiàn)實。
當瑪麗娜？卡門（Marina Kamen）跟結(jié)婚26年的丈夫發(fā)生爭執(zhí)的時候，她會上網(wǎng)和Facebook上的好友暢談一番，有時候甚至會和一個職業(yè)女性網(wǎng)站上碰到的陌生人傾訴。她相信這么做可以防止爭吵升級，也能讓自己客觀地看待自己的生活。卡門今年50歲，居住在紐約。
"許多單身女性都告訴我，'現(xiàn)在丈夫可不好找。你覺得你會找到更好的人嗎'?"卡門說。卡門和丈夫一起開了一家制作健身錄音和健身音樂的公司。"然后我們就會談起我的丈夫到底是什么樣的人，以及他所有的優(yōu)點。"
她的丈夫名叫羅伊（Roy）,今年56歲。羅伊說他不愿和朋友們談及他的婚姻。"這是男人的特點，"他說。
羅伊不是個例。在很多情況下，等到男人們因為感情問題尋求朋友的支持或者建議時，一切都太晚了。"男人們只有在走投無路的時候才會吐露心聲，"加州圣拉斐爾市（San Rafael）的臨床醫(yī)師蘇珊？皮斯？加多（Susan Pease Gadoua）表示。因為沒有更早敞開心扉，他們錯過了獲得支持的機會──或者是過來人的一點點安慰。
今年48歲的朱利葉斯？納吉（Julius Nagy）是五個孩子的父親，正在辦理離婚。他說結(jié)婚16年來他很少和朋友談起家里經(jīng)濟上的問題，一是為了看上去顯得堅強，二來也是為了避免沖突。納吉說，因為他把自己的感情完全地封閉了起來，結(jié)果經(jīng)常導致和妻子大吵大鬧，這只會讓他們的問題變得更加惡化。
"我們的婚姻最終破裂的一大原因就是我把我們的問題掩蓋了起來，"納吉說。他居住在北卡羅來納州的溫斯頓-莎倫市（Winston-Salem）,以前曾是床上用品行業(yè)的一名產(chǎn)品開發(fā)人員。我們沒能聯(lián)系到他的妻子置評。
結(jié)婚24年的托尼？戴伊（Tony Dye）遇到婚姻問題已經(jīng)有幾年的時間了，但是直到最近──眼下他就要離婚了──他才開始告訴朋友們事情的真相：他有外遇。
"我想，早點兒把我生活中的情況告訴朋友，并且得到他們的一些反饋可能會有所幫助，"戴伊說。戴伊今年54歲，是亞特蘭大的一名信息技術(shù)咨詢師。"就因為這份感情，去年我的一些朋友非常熱心地敲打了我，他們說，'托尼，你不能和她有什么聯(lián)系。你需要和你的妻子一起解決問題。'"我們未能聯(lián)系到戴伊的妻子置評。
如果你向別人尋求幫助的話，那么一定要對求助的對象慎重選擇。如果你說得太多，那么你的話或許會帶來后患。
家住美國中西部的金伯利（Kimberly）的情況就是如此。這位42歲的母親要求我們不要透露她的全名。去年，當她的婚姻陷入危機時，她向能找到的所有人抱怨：她的媽媽、朋友、同事、保姆、丈夫最好的朋友，以及兩家廣播電臺。
她說，別人的關(guān)注讓她在當時感覺輕松了很多。不過，雖然現(xiàn)在她和丈夫解決了從前的問題，新問題又來了：她當時的一些傾訴對象開始排斥她的丈夫。
"這感覺很別扭，"金伯利說。"直到現(xiàn)在，他跟我的家人在一起時都會感覺不自在。"
然而，因為一塊兒洗碗布而和另一半發(fā)生爭吵的簡？威爾科克斯卻在想自己是不是傾訴得太少了。當她的男友和朋友談?wù)撃ν熊嚈C油到底是合成的好還是天然的好時，她給她的一位女性朋友打了電話，分析了她和男友爭吵的每一個細節(jié)。"他們二十分鐘說完的話，我們花了兩個小時，"威爾科克斯說。我們未能聯(lián)系到她的男友置評。
第二天一早，她的男友在廚房里看到她，給她遞過來一杯咖啡。"問題結(jié)束了，脾氣發(fā)完了，沒有道歉，也不必多言，就像什么事都沒有發(fā)生過一樣，"她說。
"但是，他真的把摩托車的機油換成了合成的，現(xiàn)在開起來順暢多了。"
