Earlier this year, I wrote about teaching empathy, and whether you are a parent who does so. The idea behind it is from Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education, who runs the Making Caring Common project, aimed to help teach kids to be kind.

I know, you’d think they are or that parents are teaching that themselves, right? Not so, according to a new study released by the group. (Chat with Weissbourd here.)

About 80 percent of the youth in the study said their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for others. The interviewees were also three times more likely to agree that “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

Weissbourd and his cohorts have come up with recommendations about how to raise children to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. Why is this important? Because if we want our children to be moral people, we have to, well, raise them that way.

“Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood,” the researchers write.

The five strategies to raise moral, caring children, according to Making Caring Common:

1. Make caring for others a priority

Why? Parents tend to prioritize their children’s happiness and achievements over their children’s concern for others. But children need to learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, whether it’s passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied.
How? Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
Try this
• Instead of saying to your kids: “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” say “The most important thing is that you’re kind.”
• Make sure that your older children always address others respectfully, even when they’re tired, distracted, or angry.
• Emphasize caring when you interact with other key adults in your children’s lives. For example, ask teachers whether your children are good community members at school.

2. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Why? It’s never too late to become a good person, but it won’t happen on its own. Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others’ lives. Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving—and they’re also more likely to be happy and healthy.
How? Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition—whether it’s a helping a friend with homework, pitching in around the house, or having a classroom job—make caring second nature and develop and hone youth’s caregiving capacities. Learning gratitude similarly involves regularly practicing it.
Try this
• Don’t reward your child for every act of helpfulness, such as clearing the dinner table. We should expect our kids to help around the house, with siblings, and with neighbors and only reward uncommon acts of kindness.
• Talk to your child about caring and uncaring acts they see on television and about acts of justice and injustice they might witness or hear about in the news.
• Make gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Express thanks for those who contribute to us and others in large and small ways.

3. Expand your child’s circle of concern.
Why? Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends. Our challenge is help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.
How? Children need to learn to zoom in, by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle, and to zoom out, by taking in the big picture and considering the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily, including those who are vulnerable. They also need to consider how their
decisions, such as quitting a sports team or a band, can ripple out and harm various members of their communities. Especially in our more global world, children need to develop concern for people who live in very different cultures and communities than their own.
Try this
• Make sure your children are friendly and grateful with all the people in their daily lives, such as a bus driver or a waitress.
• Encourage children to care for those who are vulnerable. Give children some simple ideas for stepping into the “caring and courage zone,” like comforting a classmate who was teased.
• Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships faced by children in another country.

4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor.
Why? Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect. They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with adults, e.g. “Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn’t like her?”
How? Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to practice honesty, fairness, and caring ourselves. But it doesn’t mean being perfect all the time. For our children to respect and trust us, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and flaws. We also need to respect children’s thinking and listen
to their perspectives, demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others.
Try this:
• Model caring for others by doing community service at least once a month. Even better, do this service with your child.
• Give your child an ethical dilemma at dinner or ask your child about dilemmas they’ve faced.

5. Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Why? Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings.
How? We need to teach children that all feelings are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful. Children need our help learning to cope with these feelings in productive ways.
Try this
Here’s a simple way to teach your kids to calm down: ask your child to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five. Practice when your child is calm. Then, when you see her getting upset, remind her about the steps and do them with her. After a while she’ll start to do it on her own so that she can express her feelings in a helpful and appropriate way.


參考譯文：
    今年早些時候，我寫了一篇《教孩子具有同情心》的文章。文章的核心觀點是出自Richard Weissbourd，他是哈佛大學的心理學家，擁有教育學碩士學位。他還在運營著旨在幫助教育孩子善良成長的“大眾關愛”（Making Caring Common）項目。

我知道你會覺得父母們肯定教孩子成為一個善良的人，是吧？可是Richard的研究小組最新的研究表明，并不是這樣。

在研究中，大約有80%的青少年承認他們的父母更關心他們的成績或者是幸福，但很少過問他們是否關愛他們。受訪者們更同意“相比于我關心同學，我的父母更因我取得了好成績而自豪”的這種說法。

Weissbourd和他的同事為如何教育孩子成長為關愛他人、禮貌負責的人提供了一些建議。為什么這件事如此重要呢？因為如果我們想要讓孩子成為一個品行端正的人，我們就必須這么做。

研究人員寫到：“孩子們并不是生來就能斷定他是個好人還是壞人，我們從不應該放棄教育他們。他們需要在成年人的幫助下，在童年中不斷成長為關愛他人、知書達理又有責任心的人。”

“大眾關愛”項目對教育品行端正、關愛他人的孩子提出了五點建議：

1. 把關愛他人放在第一位

為什么？父母總是把孩子的幸福和成績置于孩子關愛他人之前。但孩子需要學會滿足他人的需求，不論是傳球給隊友還是決定幫助受欺負的朋友。

怎么辦？孩子們需要從父母那兒得到關愛他人是擺在第一位的。那么最主要的就是要對孩子有著很高的道德期望值，比如信守有時并不是很愉快地承諾。舉個例子來說，在孩子退出球隊或樂隊，甚至是一段友誼之前，我們要讓他們考慮一下自己對集體或朋友之間的責任，并鼓勵他們在退出之前解決問題。

試一試

• 不要再說”最重要的是你要開心“這樣的話了，而是應該說”最重要的是你要成為一個善良的人。“
   
• 確保長子即使在疲憊、注意力不集中或是生氣的時候也能禮貌待人。
   
• 在和其他大人接觸的時候要強調關愛他人。比如去問問老師，你的孩子是否能在學校里關愛他人。、

2. 提供給孩子親自關愛他人和表達感謝的機會

為什么？成為好人從來都不晚，只要你去做。孩子需要親自去關心他人，并對他人的關心表達感謝。研究表明擁有表達感謝習慣的人更樂于助人、更慷慨、更富有同情心，也更容易原諒他人——他們也更快樂和健康。

怎么辦？學習關愛他人就如同學習一項運動或是某種樂器一樣。每天不斷地練習——不論是輔導朋友功課還是做家務，亦或是在班級中擔任職務——讓關愛他人成為一種習慣，并不斷鍛煉青少年照顧他人的能力。學習感恩也需要不斷練習。

試一試

• 不要獎勵孩子的每一次幫助行為，比如收拾餐桌。我們希望孩子們能和兄弟姐們或是鄰居一起做家務，獎勵他們的那些不同尋常的善良舉動。
   
• 和你的孩子聊聊在電視上看到的那些關愛他人和置他人于不顧的行為，還有他們親眼看到的或是在新聞中看到的正義和非正義的舉動。
   
• 讓感恩成為一種日常習慣，不論是在晚餐時間、睡前還是在汽車里，在地鐵上。對那些在或大或小方面幫助過我們的人表達感謝。
   

3. 讓孩子學會幫助更多的人

為什么？大多數孩子只會關心他們的家人和朋友。我們需要幫助孩子去學會關愛更多的人，比如班里的新同學，不會說當地語言的人，學校管理人員或者異鄉人。

怎么辦？孩子們需要學會拉近鏡頭，傾聽和照顧他的”小圈子“，同時也要學會拉遠鏡頭，學會考慮他們每天接觸的那些人的多個方面，包括那些脆弱的人。他們需要考慮一下自己的決定，比如退出球隊或樂隊，是如何波及以及傷害團隊中的成員們的。尤其是在我們這個全球化的社會中，孩子越來越需要關心文化背景和自己完全不同的那些人。

試一試

• 讓孩子一定要友善并感謝日常生活中的所有人，比如巴士司機和服務生。
   
• 鼓勵孩子關注那些脆弱的人。給孩子一些簡單的建議，幫助他進入“關懷鼓勵地帶”，比如安慰一個哭泣的同學。
   
• 用報紙或電視上的故事來鼓勵孩子思考其他國家孩子面臨的困難。
   

4.成為一名強大的道德模范和導師

為什么？孩子容易從他們崇拜的大人身上學習道德準則。他們也會從不斷思考道德兩難的問題上學習。比如，“如果我最好的朋友不喜歡我的新鄰居，我是否還應該邀請新鄰居來參加我的生日聚會？”

怎么辦？如果我們想成為道德模范的話，這就意味著我們要誠實、正直并且自尊自愛。但這不意味著完美無缺。正因為孩子們崇拜和信任我們，我們也需要承認自己的過錯和缺點。我們也需要尊重孩子的思想，傾聽他們的觀點，向他們表明我們多么希望他們也能夠去鼓勵他人。

試一試

• 模范會每月至少做一次社區服務。如果能和你的孩子一起做那就更好了。
   
• 讓孩子在餐桌上思考道德困境，或是問問他們有沒有遇到過這類問題。