We've all had to start conversations that we dreaded having – everything from asking for a raise to asking for a divorce to asking for help with the laundry. These strategies help the conversation go more smoothly -- at least, that's the hope。

    每個(gè)人都曾不得不進(jìn)行另自己懼怕的談話——如：要求加薪、提出離婚、請(qǐng)求幫助洗衣。下面的方法幫你讓談話更順利，至少希望如此。

    1. Don't stall. Let's say you need to call an acquaintance whom you haven't seen in a few years to ask for a favor. Don't chat and chat, then casually mention the favor at the end. You're not going to fool him about why you called. It's better to say something like, "It's so great to talk to you. I really want to catch up and hear everything that's been going on for the last few years, but first, I have to tell you the reason I called." Otherwise, the person on the other end tends to feel wary and distracted。

    1。不要拖延。比如：你要打電話給一位認(rèn)識(shí)的人，兩人有些年沒(méi)有見(jiàn)面了，你要讓他幫忙。不要聊個(gè)沒(méi)完，到結(jié)束時(shí)才突然提出請(qǐng)幫忙的事。對(duì)于你打電話的原因，人家心知肚明。最好這樣說(shuō)：“和你聊天真不錯(cuò)。我很想聊聊最近幾年的情況，聽(tīng)聽(tīng)發(fā)生的每件事，但首先我要告訴你我打電話的理由。” 否則容易讓對(duì)方警惕和分心。

    2. Don't start off angry. If you have to make some sort of charge, of dishonesty or bad service or a screw-up, work yourself into a mild state of mind. Anger inspires anger; accusations inspire defensiveness. Explain the situation in a straightforward way. Joke around. Show that you're a reasonable person。

    2。不要怒氣沖沖地開(kāi)始談話。如果你要對(duì)欺騙、差的服務(wù)或一次辦砸的事做出控訴，那么先讓自己情緒緩和。憤怒會(huì)激發(fā)憤怒；指責(zé)會(huì)激發(fā)抵抗。直接了當(dāng)?shù)卣f(shuō)明情況。開(kāi)開(kāi)玩笑。展現(xiàn)出自己是一個(gè)講道理的人。

    3. This is obvious, but pick your moment. The Big Girl chooses to pester me with her pleas to get her ear pierced just before school, just before bed, or when I'm rifling in the refrigerator with a wolfish look. She couldn't pick worse times. Look for a moment of calm, lack of interruption, and physical comfort. Also, if the conversation will be particularly painful to the other person, choose circumstances that are the most comfortable for him or her, not for you. Sometimes, when you're dreading saying something, you just want to blurt it out and get it over with -- but by waiting, you might get a better result. (See #8 on this, too。)

    3。即使是容易被理解的事情，要說(shuō)也得選擇時(shí)機(jī)。可我的大女兒總選擇在上學(xué)前一刻、睡前或我正當(dāng)帶著豺狼般貪婪的面目洗劫冰箱時(shí)來(lái)糾纏我，懇求我允許她穿耳洞。她選擇的時(shí)機(jī)簡(jiǎn)直是糟糕透頂。要找一個(gè)沒(méi)有干擾、身體舒適、平靜的時(shí)刻。而且，如果對(duì)話讓另一方感到痛苦，那么選擇對(duì)他/她而言(不是對(duì)你而言)最為舒適的環(huán)境。有時(shí)候，當(dāng)你害怕說(shuō)某件事，你只希望脫口而出，然后了事——可是等一會(huì)再說(shuō)，你也許會(huì)獲得更好的結(jié)果(參考第八點(diǎn))。

    4. Think about why the subject is difficult for you. Do you hate to talk about money? Do you shrink from doing anything that smacks of self-promotion? Do you dislike confrontation? Are you afraid of someone? Are you concerned about damaging a relationship? One of the most helpful of my Twelve Commandments is "Identify the problem." If you examine why you're dreading a particular conversation, you might be able to tackle it in a different way, or re-frame the issue in a way that's less upsetting。

    4。想一想為什么這話題難以啟齒。你討厭談?wù)撳X(qián)嗎？帶有自薦意味的事情會(huì)讓你退縮嗎？你不喜歡交涉？你害怕某人？你擔(dān)心破壞一段關(guān)系？在我“十二戒律” 中最有幫助的一條是“辨認(rèn)問(wèn)題”。如果你弄清楚為何害怕某種對(duì)話，你也許能采取另一種方式來(lái)應(yīng)對(duì)，或者可以用一個(gè)不愉快度較低的方式重構(gòu)問(wèn)題。

    5. Are you certain you need to discuss the difficult subject, at all? Often, you do. Sometimes, you don't. Will it really serve a purpose to have the conversation?

    5。你確信自己有必要去討論這一困難話題嗎？經(jīng)常是的。但有時(shí)候卻不是。就算進(jìn)行了這個(gè)對(duì)話，你真能達(dá)到目的嗎？

    6. Don't ruminate about worst-case scenarios. It's tempting to imagine every possible way a conversation could go – each worse than the last. But this usually isn't helpful. I have a strong tendency to do this, and never once in my experience has the conversation unfolded with any resemblance to what I imagined. It sometimes goes just as poorly as I'd feared, but never in a way that I'd predicted. So unless you're doing constructive strategizing, don't allow yourself to indulge in negative fantasies。

    6。不要反復(fù)考慮最壞的情況。人們總是忍不住設(shè)想談話的各種情形，這些情形一個(gè)比一個(gè)糟。但是通常這一點(diǎn)用也沒(méi)有。我也有強(qiáng)烈的傾向去做這些設(shè)想，但據(jù)我經(jīng)驗(yàn)來(lái)看，實(shí)際的對(duì)話和我想象中的從來(lái)不一樣。有時(shí)候，它如同我原來(lái)害怕的那么糟糕，可絕不是我預(yù)測(cè)中的那種情形。所以，除非你在做建設(shè)性的規(guī)劃，否則別讓自己沉溺于消極幻想當(dāng)中。

    7. In direct conflict with the above tip -- it can nevertheless be useful to ask yourself, "What's the very worst that could happen?" Someone could tell you "No," or laugh in your face, or cry, or yell, or talk about you behind your back. Are these outcomes really so dreadful? Often, bluntly considering the worst-case scenario is actually reassuring. But do this in a focused, realistic, limited way. Don't spend hours playing out horrible scenes in your mind。

    7。和前面一條直接矛盾的是——問(wèn)問(wèn)自己：“最壞可能發(fā)生的是什么？”這還是有用的。有的人會(huì)對(duì)你說(shuō)“不”，或當(dāng)著你的面大笑、哭、大叫，或背后指點(diǎn)。這些結(jié)果真的那么令人恐懼嗎？往往考慮出最糟糕的情況反倒使你放心。但是，在問(wèn)自己這個(gè)問(wèn)題時(shí)要集中注意力，要現(xiàn)實(shí)，有限度。不要花長(zhǎng)時(shí)間地在腦子里播放恐怖的畫(huà)面。

    8. Can it wait? If you're reacting to something that has just happened, can you postpone the confrontation for a day or two? You might well feel calmer after some time has passed, and even if you still need to have the conversation, you might be able to broach it more productively。

    8。能等等再說(shuō)嗎？如果你正處于對(duì)剛發(fā)生的事情產(chǎn)生的反應(yīng)中，你能把這次交涉推遲一、兩天嗎？也許等上一段時(shí)間后你會(huì)感覺(jué)更加鎮(zhèn)定些，即便你還需要進(jìn)行那次談話，這么做也許能讓你更有成效。

    9. Use notes. When you're emotionally overwrought, it can be hard to remember exactly what was said. If your boss made criticisms of your work, what EXACTLY did he or she say? If you're at the doctor's office, what EXACTLY did the doctor say? In some cases, like going to the doctor, you may even want to bring another person with you to help process information. You might also want to bring notes to have a list of the points to cover. You might be so eager to end the conversation that you'd rush out of the room too soon, or you might forget everything you wanted to say or ask in the heat of the conversation。

    9。做記錄。在情緒過(guò)度勞累時(shí)，要準(zhǔn)確地記住說(shuō)過(guò)的話往往會(huì)很難。如果你的老板批評(píng)了你的工作，他/她到底對(duì)你說(shuō)了什么？如果你在醫(yī)生辦公室，醫(yī)生確切地對(duì)你說(shuō)了什么？有些時(shí)候，例如看大夫，你也許會(huì)希望有一個(gè)人陪你去，以幫助消化信息。也許你還希望帶上筆記本，列出談話要點(diǎn)。在一次激烈的談話種，你可能會(huì)很渴望結(jié)束談話，從而會(huì)過(guò)早地沖出房間，結(jié)果忘記了本來(lái)要說(shuō)的、要問(wèn)的。

    10. Write a note instead of having a conversation. When writing, you can pick your words exactly, and by communicating that way, you allow the other person to react privately, with time for reflection. Or you can write a note alerting the person to the fact that a painful conversation is necessary。

    10。用留言代替交談。在書(shū)寫(xiě)時(shí)，你能準(zhǔn)確地選擇詞語(yǔ)，而且以這個(gè)方式交流，你能讓別人有考慮的時(shí)間來(lái)私底下做出反應(yīng)。還能寫(xiě)留言來(lái)警告某人，進(jìn)行一次痛苦的對(duì)話必不可少。

    11. It sounds simplistic, but if you know you're going to broach a difficult subject on a particular day, get plenty of sleep and exercise in the period before. Feeling energetic, well-rested, and calm in body will put you in better spirits。

    11。這一條聽(tīng)上去太簡(jiǎn)單了。如果你知道某一天你將提出困難的話題，那么之前你需要充分睡眠和鍛煉。擁有充沛的精力、良好的休息還有鎮(zhèn)定的身體會(huì)讓你心情愉快。

    Obviously, the tips aren't universally applicable. You wouldn't take notes when confronting your teenager, and you wouldn't bring your spouse to your performance review. But by thinking constructively about how to broach a difficult subject, you might make it less painful and more productive, for everyone。

    顯然，以上建議并不是所有情況下都通用。面對(duì)自己十來(lái)歲的孩子時(shí)，你可不會(huì)做筆記。你也不會(huì)帶配偶去參加面試。但是，通過(guò)建設(shè)性地去考慮如何提出一個(gè)困難話題，你也許為每個(gè)人減少了談話的痛苦，增加了談話的成果。